|
|
Post by louiswinthorpe111 on Jun 20, 2023 20:57:55 GMT
What did I do differently? 1) I made sure their father wasn't going to be a cheating alcoholic. Hubby drinks socially, but he's never going to home from work and crack open a beer. We have frequent conversations about "Did you know so and so drinks a 12 pack when he comes home at night?!?!? How does he function?
2) Very similar to burnt toast, that I am here through thick and thin, no matter what.
3) A good relationship with their father. Now I have been married for almost 29 years, together for 32. I know plenty of people that are still married at this point and hate each other. But we are each others ride or die. Other than work, we work out together, grocery shop together, hang out, etc.... We used to bicker a lot more when they were little, but we've worked through most of that over the years and learned how to communicate better.
4) I was also very honest about my parents marriage. Here's a story. A year before my dad died, I was on a work trip and hubby left the house to run an errand. My father shows up unannounced and said, "Hey I'm your Grandpa!" My middle son, was like, "ok would you like to come in?" Which was a mistake on his part, because when my oldest came in and saw him, he just laid into him. "After all these years, you come here? You treated my mom like shit. You treated my grandma like shit. I don't want your money (Dad said he was leaving all his estate to my kids) and get the fuck out of my house." My youngest said, "Mom has a Dad?" When my dad recapped the story to my brother, he said, "the tall one is nice, the oldest one doesn't like me."
My oldest wasn't going to take the inheritance. I told him he was fool, it was free money, and at least some good came out of my dad being an asshole. The boys each bought a car. It's still in a trust for my youngest.
|
|
|
|
Post by notoriousmkg on Jun 20, 2023 21:22:03 GMT
Dksnj and Louis - those are freaking amazing stories. My dad was a functioning alcoholic - could always pick himself up and get to work after being sloshed. But as little kids, my brother and I were confused and terrified - he didn't hit us - he would just say weird stuff, like how effed up his job was, how horrible the world was, etc. Stuff you shouldn't be thinking about when you're a little kid - it was almost like intellectual abuse. As we got older, it was more annoying and concerning than scary. Plus, my dad was a great "sober" dad, LOL, and was always taking care of us and telling us how he loved us and was fascinated by us. So, my brother (who is a total non drinker), and I (very moderate) modeled ourselves after his sober personality. My mom's only fault was that she was a hoarder - it took like 4 years of work to clean up, fix up, and sell her house, after she died. It's not my place to describe Mrs Mo's parents except to say they are still alive, and she has a much better relationship with them now than when she was a teen. Our kids think their grandparents walk on water, since they partly raised them and they never ever hit or spanked them to punish them. I love them, too, especially because they created Mrs Mo. Hey Louis - our 32n'd wedding anniversary is tomorrow - I need to sneak out to buy flowers, card, etc.....  |
|
holly
OGs 
GR member since 2005
Posts: 1,212
|
Post by holly on Jun 20, 2023 22:49:27 GMT
Dksnj and Louis - those are freaking amazing stories. My dad was a functioning alcoholic - could always pick himself up and get to work after being sloshed. But as little kids, my brother and I were confused and terrified - he didn't hit us - he would just say weird stuff, like how effed up his job was, how horrible the world was, etc. Stuff you shouldn't be thinking about when you're a little kid - it was almost like intellectual abuse. As we got older, it was more annoying and concerning than scary. Plus, my dad was a great "sober" dad, LOL, and was always taking care of us and telling us how he loved us and was fascinated by us. So, my brother (who is a total non drinker), and I (very moderate) modeled ourselves after his sober personality. My mom's only fault was that she was a hoarder - it took like 4 years of work to clean up, fix up, and sell her house, after she died. It's not my place to describe Mrs Mo's parents except to say they are still alive, and she has a much better relationship with them now than when she was a teen. Our kids think their grandparents walk on water, since they partly raised them and they never ever hit or spanked them to punish them. I love them, too, especially because they created Mrs Mo. Hey Louis - our 32n'd wedding anniversary is tomorrow - I need to sneak out to buy flowers, card, etc..... Congrats on 32 years! We just had our 30th earlier this year. |
|
|
|
Post by notoriousmkg on Jun 21, 2023 4:59:32 GMT
Dksnj and Louis - those are freaking amazing stories. My dad was a functioning alcoholic - could always pick himself up and get to work after being sloshed. But as little kids, my brother and I were confused and terrified - he didn't hit us - he would just say weird stuff, like how effed up his job was, how horrible the world was, etc. Stuff you shouldn't be thinking about when you're a little kid - it was almost like intellectual abuse. As we got older, it was more annoying and concerning than scary. Plus, my dad was a great "sober" dad, LOL, and was always taking care of us and telling us how he loved us and was fascinated by us. So, my brother (who is a total non drinker), and I (very moderate) modeled ourselves after his sober personality. My mom's only fault was that she was a hoarder - it took like 4 years of work to clean up, fix up, and sell her house, after she died. It's not my place to describe Mrs Mo's parents except to say they are still alive, and she has a much better relationship with them now than when she was a teen. Our kids think their grandparents walk on water, since they partly raised them and they never ever hit or spanked them to punish them. I love them, too, especially because they created Mrs Mo. Hey Louis - our 32n'd wedding anniversary is tomorrow - I need to sneak out to buy flowers, card, etc..... Congrats on 32 years! We just had our 30th earlier this year. Congrats to you, too! I just realized I left Mrs Mo's flowers, present, and card in my car (I was waiting for her to go to bed, LOL). |
|
|
|
Post by louiswinthorpe111 on Jun 21, 2023 13:32:16 GMT
Happy Anniversary Mo!
|
|
|
|
Post by beeyotch on Jun 21, 2023 14:04:56 GMT
Hope the flowers made it!
I had a dream a year ago or so, about my father dying. Actually,in the dream it was me stabbing him, I vividly remember it was a lot of blood. Instead of horror or panic, there was only an immense wave of relief and peace. I actually woke up feeling better, like Id made a break through in my feelings about him. Almost acceptance. Just like Drew, biding my time until he dies and I can feel full relief, fully free.
My son asked if I had a dad. The dad who after 38 years of marriage and authoritarian parenting,emptied joint accounts going to strip joints, knocked up a stripper; the "dad" who my brother accused of molesting him. The one I still remember hitting my mom when I was 5. That one. Mr. B and I decided not to have Jimmy ever meet him, so he never has.
My reply was yes, I have a dad but he wasn't very nice to me and not very nice to abuelita (my mom). And that I don't see him because he made me feel sad, not safe. Words a 5-year-old can understand. I told him you don't have to be around people who make you feel not safe, or make you sad, even if they're grown-ups. So I choose not to be around my dad.
If he has more questions as he grows up I'll try to answer in an age appropriate way, without lying because I remember really hating that feeling of grown-ups not telling me the truth. It just confused me.
Regarding what I want to do differently: just observe his reactions and do what works best for him. Really pay attention to his feelings. Is he sensitive, shutting down, not benefitting from what I say or do with him? Then try something else. Get therapy, some other help, whatever. And I make it a point to be openly affectionate and tell him how proud I am of all his achievements big and small. Lately it's remembering to flush, lol.
|
|
|
|
Post by kittylady on Jun 21, 2023 19:28:08 GMT
Happy anniversary Mo!
|
|
|
|
Post by palta on Jun 22, 2023 16:56:00 GMT
My dad was a functioning alcoholic - could always pick himself up and get to work after being sloshed. But as little kids, my brother and I were confused and terrified - he didn't hit us - he would just say weird stuff, like how effed up his job was, how horrible the world was, etc. Stuff you shouldn't be thinking about when you're a little kid - it was almost like intellectual abuse. As we got older, it was more annoying and concerning than scary. Plus, my dad was a great "sober" dad, LOL, and was always taking care of us and telling us how he loved us and was fascinated by us. So, my brother (who is a total non drinker), and I (very moderate) modeled ourselves after his sober personality. My mom's only fault was that she was a hoarder - it took like 4 years of work to clean up, fix up, and sell her house, after she died. my dad was similar to this. a great guy, sociable, supportive, involved in my life. he enjoyed life and was very active and curious. but he was mean and brutally honest when he drinked, even with me and my younger brother.
he got really bad after the divorce. i was 10 at the time, my mom went ballistic and started a custody battle. he never fully recovered from that. my relatioship with him got complicated, we lost contact for a while because it was hard being around him.
he died years ago and i was devastated. it makes me so sad. he was stuck, i couldn't help him. such a waste.
|
|
|
|
Post by notoriousmkg on Jun 22, 2023 17:45:20 GMT
My dad was a functioning alcoholic - could always pick himself up and get to work after being sloshed. But as little kids, my brother and I were confused and terrified - he didn't hit us - he would just say weird stuff, like how effed up his job was, how horrible the world was, etc. Stuff you shouldn't be thinking about when you're a little kid - it was almost like intellectual abuse. As we got older, it was more annoying and concerning than scary. Plus, my dad was a great "sober" dad, LOL, and was always taking care of us and telling us how he loved us and was fascinated by us. So, my brother (who is a total non drinker), and I (very moderate) modeled ourselves after his sober personality. My mom's only fault was that she was a hoarder - it took like 4 years of work to clean up, fix up, and sell her house, after she died. my dad was similar to this. a great guy, sociable, supportive, involved in my life. he enjoyed life and was very active and curious. but he was mean and brutally honest when he drinked, even with me and my younger brother.
he got really bad after the divorce. i was 10 at the time, my mom went ballistic and started a custody battle. he never fully recovered from that. my relatioship with him got complicated, we lost contact for a while because it was hard being around him.
he died years ago and i was devastated. it makes me so sad. he was stuck, i couldn't help him. such a waste.
First of all, thx everyone. I managed to put together the flowers, card and gift before Mrs Mo got up the next morning. Second, with regard to what Palta said, it is really disconcerting/disturbing when you have a loved one who is so great sober, but turns into a big jerk after drinking. It's like, "Which is the real you?" My brother had a best friend who was an incredibly nice guy - like a gentle giant. But when he was drinking with my brother, he'd start going "I think that guy bumped into me deliberately." Or "Did you see the way that guy looked at me? I think he wants to fight!" I never drink more than one or two beers, because my favorites brands are too damn expensive, and by the time I finish the second one, I just walk over the nearest couch and fall right asleep. beeyotch, I think you have an awesome approach to what you are going to tell your son. Having a plan and a position on those issues is like 75% of the battle. |
|
