Drew Barrymore admits she wishes her mother Jaid was dead: ‘

[imnotbitter]

My mom passed 18 years ago and after a life of being criticized and put down by her for every little thing, it was a relief to see her go. I felt like I could finally grow up and out from under her oppression. I feel where Drew's coming from.

[o0amber0o]

I haven't spoken to my mother in about 4 years. At one point during covid she got pretty sick (not from covid) and we all thought she wasn't going to make it, but I know she'll outlive us all out of spite. Because of covid restrictions I had to stay in my own state during that time (thankfully) so her younger sister took care of everything (thankfully). She is so ungrateful and entitled that both of her sisters stopped speaking to her after all of that.

I can acknowledge my mother did her part as a parent, fed me, kept me clothed, kept a roof over my head. I definitely wasn't in Drew's situation or some kind of horrific abuse situation. I know it wasn't easy for her as a single parent, but I felt like the biggest inconvenience to her constantly. My emotions were annoying, my voice was annoying, I was annoying. As I got into adulthood I set the boundaries of just seeing her when necessary, like during holidays. I'd do my hour, give gifts and move on. I always hated it, it made me miserable. Her comments, put downs - it just got old. After I had my daughter I realized I didn't want her to be around that. I didn't want my mother talking to her like that and I don't want my daughter to think that's what a mother/daughter relationship is supposed to be like so I shut the door. Life is too short to take on people's toxicity and abuse, family or not.

I constantly worry I'm becoming my mother, I worry about what my relationship with my daughter will look like when we are older.

[czb]

^^^ i was in a similar boat. not sure if i could call my mom abusive, she provided the basics but basically i was left on my own to figure stuff out. i guess i would call her neglectful and uncaring. i, too, felt like an annoyance. i hope i am not like her with regards to my own kids but i'm sure some of her traits live with me regardless of how much i fight it.

[notoriousmkg]

My parents were flawed but super supportive and loving.  This scene basically captures Mrs Mo and me -- we are not hippies or pot smokers but kind of over-the-top huggers and over sharers: (by the way, the parents, in the 2nd half of the scene are not hinting about sex, but that the son will one day realize he's a werewolf):

[palta]

i totally relate to the uncaring and that basic care thing. she did things for me but never made me feel loved.

Jun 7, 2023 19:14:30 GMT o0amber0o said:

I constantly worry I'm becoming my mother, I worry about what my relationship with my daughter will look like when we are older.

me too, and i don't even have kids.

i think it's hard but you are doing what's right for your daughter. i would do the same, i wouldn't want my mom near anything that is important to me.

for me it feels so hard to do normal things that i associate with the way my mom is. i have a difficult time accepting presents or asking for favors because she is very manipulative and i feel like i'm using people when i do.

sometimes i avoid buying certain brands that she used to like lol

my brother, on the other hand, is going down that same narc road and treats me like shit. i don't talk to him and i worry for his kids.

[greysfang]

Jun 6, 2023 22:47:06 GMT daphodil said:

My situation was nothing like Drew's but I admit I was relieved when my mom passed when I was 32 and my dad 4 years later. Life became so much *easier* without them. I eventually cut out my full sibling and several half-siblings. I regret nothing. My world is small and in order to comment on my life or criticize me you have to be invited. Consider yourselves invited

same except for the siblings part, I don't have those, but I did cut off some toxic aunts and uncles. My family is enormous though (mother is the oldest of 9, father is in the middle of 16), so its never been a loss not to keep up with everyone.

[louiswinthorpe111]

I understand what Drew's saying, even if it wasn't the most eloquent way to say it.

I was estranged from my father for decades. He was a massive alcoholic who stuck his dick in everyone in town, and a horrible father. When he got cancer, about 6 months after, my brother and I went to Florida to see him and I attempted some amends. He was oblivious and dismissive on that front (so nothing really changed). Honestly I was crushed because I wanted some sort of acknowledgement of what a fucker he was and that he was sorry he missed out on our lives. Over a year later, he attempted to by saying, "If you think I was a bad dad, sorry," with a half hearted shrug. And when my dad died, I was pretty indifferent. And now that chapter of my life is closed. The End.

[o0amber0o]

Jun 8, 2023 17:37:26 GMT palta said:

i totally relate to the uncaring and that basic care thing. she did things for me but never made me feel loved.

Jun 7, 2023 19:14:30 GMT o0amber0o said:

I constantly worry I'm becoming my mother, I worry about what my relationship with my daughter will look like when we are older.

me too, and i don't even have kids.

i think it's hard but you are doing what's right for your daughter. i would do the same, i wouldn't want my mom near anything that is important to me.

for me it feels so hard to do normal things that i associate with the way my mom is. i have a difficult time accepting presents or asking for favors because she is very manipulative and i feel like i'm using people when i do.

sometimes i avoid buying certain brands that she used to like lol

my brother, on the other hand, is going down that same narc road and treats me like shit. i don't talk to him and i worry for his kids.

I completely relate.  I actually had a moment in therapy a few years where I came to realize a lot of the issues that I have in forming a relationship with my MIL is because she is so the opposite of my mother that I can't accept her kindness/gestures as genuine.  I'm just like waiting for her to want/expect something in return.  She always preached to me about how I should never ask for help because no one will help you, but in reality people were constantly helping her.  Her words stuck with me though, I can't stand to ask for help even from those closest to me.

[charmedhour]

I’m so, so sorry to read all of this. My heart hearts for every single one of you.

I say every day how grateful I am for my parents. They always gave us their all, emotionally and financially. They love us and we know it. It wasn’t perfect but they did the best they could especially considering both grew up in homes with addictions and violence towards their moms and in my dad’s case- him too as oldest son.

A few years ago my dad expressed regret for some things that happened when I was a kid- the way he parented sometimes. How he wished that financially things were more stable when we were young and they were too young to have kids. Not that he regrets us, just that we came along too quickly. (They were 20/18 when married, 21/19 when my sister was born, me at almost 21/23 and then took on his sister’s 2 kids over the next 2 years as they were born) before they were able to give us everything we could want. So, 4 kids under 4 in 4 years at 25!

It damn near killed me to hear it. I told him I can’t speak for the rest of the kids but I certainly don’t feel I was abused or maltreated. I acknowledged he did the best he could with the tools he had and learned new ones. He said his goal was not be his father. He damn sure wasn’t!

[holly]

“I can’t turn my back on the person who gave me my life,” she told People. “I can’t do it. It would hurt me so much. I would find it so cruel. But there are times where I’ve realized that our chemistry and behavior will drum up a feeling in me where I have to say, ‘Ok, I need a break again.'”

I re-read this today (I'll admit, the first time I just scanned it), & holy shit, this right here ^ sums up my relationship with my mother. 

I hadn't spoke to her since 4/25 & I ended up hanging up on her (I am going through some heavy shit right now & her support consisted of "Oh Holly!" in an exasperated tone of voice, as if I'm a child overreacting to not getting candy or something trivial.)

I had a previously planned trip (I live 800 miles away from my immediate family now), so I went ahead, because I still wanted to see my brothers & nieces, & friends.

So I get there last Tuesday, & I saw her the day I got there & she acted like we were good (shocking), & then Saturday afternoon she called me & asked me how xxx was doing, & said she's fine, & she says "I'm not talking to you." in a super hateful tone of voice & said she thought she was talking to xxx, then started yelling at me about IDK what, because I couldn't understand her, & I hung up on her & was instantly in tears. So now, it's even my fault when she dials the wrong number.

My brother was on his way to pick me up & we were going to visit my other brother (he lives like an hour away from where the rest of the family is - smart move on his part) & while I was waiting, I was in the process of changing my flight from Tuesday (today) to Sunday (6/11), because I needed to just GTFO of there (and paid a small fortune to do so, but I didn't care at that point). So I'm still on the phone when I get in the car with my brother & when I got everything changed & hung up, he said "what's going on" & I couldn't even speak because I was struggling to not cry (failed at that) & he says "mom", & I said "yep" & told him what happened. Then when we got to my other brother's house, the 3 of us & my sister in law talked about some mom stuff, & I felt so supported & loved.
I know my mother loves me, I just don't know if she likes me. It's so hard to reconcile her mean, often spiteful behaviour with the woman who always took great care of me when I was sick, stayed with me & took such loving care of me after several surgeries, with this being the same person. I kind of wonder if she doesn't like me unless I'm sick or unable to care for myself. It's just weird. 

I just don't understand her, I never will. I wish I could go no contact, but I feel like Drew, minus the "it would be so cruel" part. But it would hurt me so much. But I'm not so sure that this isn't hurting me even more. 

[burnt_toast]

Jun 13, 2023 14:39:42 GMT holly said:

“I can’t turn my back on the person who gave me my life,” she told People. “I can’t do it. It would hurt me so much. I would find it so cruel. But there are times where I’ve realized that our chemistry and behavior will drum up a feeling in me where I have to say, ‘Ok, I need a break again.'”

I re-read this today (I'll admit, the first time I just scanned it), & holy shit, this right here ^ sums up my relationship with my mother. 

I hadn't spoke to her since 4/25 & I ended up hanging up on her (I am going through some heavy shit right now & her support consisted of "Oh Holly!" in an exasperated tone of voice, as if I'm a child overreacting to not getting candy or something trivial.)

I had a previously planned trip (I live 800 miles away from my immediate family now), so I went ahead, because I still wanted to see my brothers & nieces, & friends.

So I get there last Tuesday, & I saw her the day I got there & she acted like we were good (shocking), & then Saturday afternoon she called me & asked me how xxx was doing, & said she's fine, & she says "I'm not talking to you." in a super hateful tone of voice & said she thought she was talking to xxx, then started yelling at me about IDK what, because I couldn't understand her, & I hung up on her & was instantly in tears. So now, it's even my fault when she dials the wrong number.

My brother was on his way to pick me up & we were going to visit my other brother (he lives like an hour away from where the rest of the family is - smart move on his part) & while I was waiting, I was in the process of changing my flight from Tuesday (today) to Sunday (6/11), because I needed to just GTFO of there (and paid a small fortune to do so, but I didn't care at that point). So I'm still on the phone when I get in the car with my brother & when I got everything changed & hung up, he said "what's going on" & I couldn't even speak because I was struggling to not cry (failed at that) & he says "mom", & I said "yep" & told him what happened. Then when we got to my other brother's house, the 3 of us & my sister in law talked about some mom stuff, & I felt so supported & loved.
I know my mother loves me, I just don't know if she likes me. It's so hard to reconcile her mean, often spiteful behaviour with the woman who always took great care of me when I was sick, stayed with me & took such loving care of me after several surgeries, with this being the same person. I kind of wonder if she doesn't like me unless I'm sick or unable to care for myself. It's just weird. 

I just don't understand her, I never will. I wish I could go no contact, but I feel like Drew, minus the "it would be so cruel" part. But it would hurt me so much. But I'm not so sure that this isn't hurting me even more. 

omg I am so sorry.  Huge hugs to you, that shit hurts so much.  

I quietly went no contact with my mom just before the pandemic.  I just stopped.  She'd call and I would be busy.  She'd message and I would just ignore it.  I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just made huge distance between us.  She finally asked me about it six or eight months after I'd started and I told her that I just really didn't feel like we were particularly good for each other and interacting less was healthy for me.  By the time she got around to asking I felt so much more peace about the whole thing it seemed simple to just be honest with her.  I don't hate her and I don't think she's horrible, I just feel better about the whole world when I don't interact with her much.  

She and I are in a group chat with my brothers, so that was my way around interactions.  We post general updates to the whole group about things, but I don't directly interact with her and she doesn't really directly interact with me.  So it's not a hard core no contact, but it's enough distance that it works for me.

Man, parents are so tough and I just don't have the energy to deal with all of her nonsense on top of my own life.  My kids take less energy than my mom...

[holly]

Jun 13, 2023 14:46:06 GMT burnt_toast said:

Jun 13, 2023 14:39:42 GMT holly said:

I re-read this today (I'll admit, the first time I just scanned it), & holy shit, this right here ^ sums up my relationship with my mother. 

I hadn't spoke to her since 4/25 & I ended up hanging up on her (I am going through some heavy shit right now & her support consisted of "Oh Holly!" in an exasperated tone of voice, as if I'm a child overreacting to not getting candy or something trivial.)

I had a previously planned trip (I live 800 miles away from my immediate family now), so I went ahead, because I still wanted to see my brothers & nieces, & friends.

So I get there last Tuesday, & I saw her the day I got there & she acted like we were good (shocking), & then Saturday afternoon she called me & asked me how xxx was doing, & said she's fine, & she says "I'm not talking to you." in a super hateful tone of voice & said she thought she was talking to xxx, then started yelling at me about IDK what, because I couldn't understand her, & I hung up on her & was instantly in tears. So now, it's even my fault when she dials the wrong number.

My brother was on his way to pick me up & we were going to visit my other brother (he lives like an hour away from where the rest of the family is - smart move on his part) & while I was waiting, I was in the process of changing my flight from Tuesday (today) to Sunday (6/11), because I needed to just GTFO of there (and paid a small fortune to do so, but I didn't care at that point). So I'm still on the phone when I get in the car with my brother & when I got everything changed & hung up, he said "what's going on" & I couldn't even speak because I was struggling to not cry (failed at that) & he says "mom", & I said "yep" & told him what happened. Then when we got to my other brother's house, the 3 of us & my sister in law talked about some mom stuff, & I felt so supported & loved.
I know my mother loves me, I just don't know if she likes me. It's so hard to reconcile her mean, often spiteful behaviour with the woman who always took great care of me when I was sick, stayed with me & took such loving care of me after several surgeries, with this being the same person. I kind of wonder if she doesn't like me unless I'm sick or unable to care for myself. It's just weird. 

I just don't understand her, I never will. I wish I could go no contact, but I feel like Drew, minus the "it would be so cruel" part. But it would hurt me so much. But I'm not so sure that this isn't hurting me even more. 

omg I am so sorry.  Huge hugs to you, that shit hurts so much.  

I quietly went no contact with my mom just before the pandemic.  I just stopped.  She'd call and I would be busy.  She'd message and I would just ignore it.  I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just made huge distance between us.  She finally asked me about it six or eight months after I'd started and I told her that I just really didn't feel like we were particularly good for each other and interacting less was healthy for me.  By the time she got around to asking I felt so much more peace about the whole thing it seemed simple to just be honest with her.  I don't hate her and I don't think she's horrible, I just feel better about the whole world when I don't interact with her much.  

She and I are in a group chat with my brothers, so that was my way around interactions.  We post general updates to the whole group about things, but I don't directly interact with her and she doesn't really directly interact with me.  So it's not a hard core no contact, but it's enough distance that it works for me.

Man, parents are so tough and I just don't have the energy to deal with all of her nonsense on top of my own life.  My kids take less energy than my mom...

I’m always the one to reach out after her getting pissed at me for one stupid reason or another. I actually told her this one time & her response was “well I’m not catering to you” WTF.
I’m really sorry your relationship with your mom isn’t good. I’m not a jealous person, but the one thing that has always, my whole life, made me jealous is when girls/women are super close with their mothers & they say their mom is their best friend. I wish I could have that. But I never will.

[burnt_toast]

I never will either and that sucks pretty badly. I actually know very very few women who are "best friends" with their mothers and the relationship isn't co-dependent ... so there's a part of me that raises an eyebrow when someone is best friends with a parent, but maybe I'm wildly cynical.

What do you think would happen if you just didn't reach out to fix things when she was upset?  Maybe you can just quietly quit that job and see how that impacts things?

[holly]

Jun 13, 2023 18:36:55 GMT burnt_toast said:

I never will either and that sucks pretty badly. I actually know very very few women who are "best friends" with their mothers and the relationship isn't co-dependent ... so there's a part of me that raises an eyebrow when someone is best friends with a parent, but maybe I'm wildly cynical.

What do you think would happen if you just didn't reach out to fix things when she was upset?  Maybe you can just quietly quit that job and see how that impacts things?

IDK, it’s so hard because she’s in her 80s, & has had a TIA & a stroke, & she also had a heart attack. She had the heart attack back when I still lived nearby, & my father, never uses the phone, called me because she wouldn’t get out of bed & he was concerned. So I went over there & she was acting all weird & while I’m trying to figure out what’s going on, she says “my jaw hurts” & I said “we gotta get you to the hospital, you’re having a heart attack”
She ended up with a heart stent. So I *might* have saved her life by knowing that was a sign. You would think maybe she would be nicer after that. And and she was, for about 5-6 months & then got mad over the most petty thing ever (she even yelled at my husband) & then we didn’t speak for 3 months.
I’ve told so many people that the best thing I ever did for our relationship was moving 800 miles away, because I go for my visits & it’s just enough time to see each other but not long enough for her find something to get mad at me for. I haven’t had any issues to this degree with her since I moved over 5 years ago until this April, & then again within 4 days of me seeing her.
Someone asked me if I thought she was having signs of dementia & I said “no, but maybe if that happens she’ll think I’m someone she actually likes.”
I think I’ll actually feel some kind of relief when she’s gone, but I’ll probably feel guilt for feeling that way.

[burnt_toast]

Jun 13, 2023 18:57:09 GMT holly said:

I think I’ll actually feel some kind of relief when she’s gone, but I’ll probably feel guilt for feeling that way.

This ... all over.  I'm 100% sure I will feel relief and guilt both.  It's going to be complicated.