Then you’re both wrong.
Look up coercive control. These kind of messages are the tip of the iceberg of abuse. Bruises fade. The messing with your mind takes years, if not decades to heal.
this.
this article is in line with what most domestic violence specialists and therapists have been saying about hill's texts:
Unpacking Jonah Hill's use of mental health language to manipulate ex girlfriend Sarah Brady
Jonny Mahon-Heap
15:00, Jul 10 2023
US professional surfer Sarah Brady has accused former partner, actor Jonah Hill, of “emotional abuse”, sharing a series of fraught text screenshots Brady alleges the couple shared while they were in couples therapy.
In the texts, Brady accuses Hill of “gaslighting” and “manipulation”, as the screenshots suggest he was trying to control who she spent time with when he wasn’t present, what she wore and what she shared to her social media.
Dr Natalie Thorburn, principal policy advisor for Women’s Refuge in Auckland, said this behaviour is classically indicative of coercive control.“It’s a very gradual, very slow, very insidious pushing down of all the most important parts of who you are, and what you can do, and what you're able to do for yourself”, Dr Thorburn explained to Stuff.
“It undermines all of your identity, dignity, social resources, effectively creating a power dynamic in which the man holds a superior balance of power.”
In his texts, Hill tries to say that Brady, by surfing with other men, posting photos of herself on social media, and modelling, is violating his boundaries.
Dr Thorburn said this was an example of misusing therapy speak in order to control and manipulate.
Dr Thorburn explained that Hill’s alleged messages came not from a place of insecurity – but a place of entitlement.
“Mental health language is so often used or co-opted to justify abuse and provides a weapon to be misused. If all of your boundaries are about what somebody can and can’t do in their own time, then it’s not really a boundary – it’s just a rule.”
Coercive control is recognised as a subset of domestic violence, and defined as the patterned deprivation of basic human rights.
She said that, unfortunately, these text messages would resonate with a lot of women who experience this level of insecurity and control from their significant other.
Coercive control can often involve men stripping women of the same power that they found attractive in the first place.
“There’s definitely the desire to subordinate a woman, which is more satisfying depending on how powerful they were to begin with.
“So, taking someone who is not immediately vulnerable at face value, who does command a significant amount of social power, and then slowly beating that back down by removing all of those personal and social resources over time so that solely exists for him, not independently of him, is just a kind of power grab.”
Hill’s text messages portray a very specific kind of abuse which is about limiting self-expression and autonomy. It’s a red flag when partners have a laundry list of requirements for being in a relationship – and the list is totally one-sided.
“As soon as the landscape starts changing in terms of what your partner likes about you, and those things start becoming something to be degraded and insulted, then that would be a major red flag for abuse. Any isolation or dictating friends is often one of the first things that we see.”
The actor’s alleged requests that she not post pictures in a bathing suit or go surfing with men (she is a surf instructor and pro surfer) are not simply examples of a man’s insecurity – they show a high level of entitlement too, Dr Thorburn explained.
“It’s a need to dominate, as opposed to a genuine insecurity. There’s nothing wrong inherently with feeling jealous, or insecure – and I suspect that his partner was probably feeling very insecure.
“But none of those are actually rationales for that behaviour. It’s much more likely to be a sense of entitlement that drives it.”
By sharing the messages and exposing Hill’s behaviour publicly, Brady has created something of a resource for other women experiencing the same situation to follow.
“It’s also a very brave thing to do, because demystifying the dynamics of coercive control and domestic violence is really important.
“People often don’t see themselves in the most gratuitous depictions of domestic violence shown most commonly. But for other women who are in that position, it gives them another kind of model.”
In a screenshot from Hill’s messages, he appears to have written: “I literally am the best boyfriend. on earth. [sic]”
This kind of grandiose wording is textbook control, Dr Thorburn explained.
“It’s extremely typical abusive behaviour. These narratives are omnipresent in these situations where they say, ‘no one would take care of you like I do,’ ‘you’re so lucky to have me’, and ‘you wouldn't get anyone else.
Dr Thorburn wanted other women who might be experiencing these dynamics to know they can come forward to seek help.
“There’s no threshold for seeking help. It doesn't matter whether there's extreme physical abuse or whether there are concerns that maybe there is some controlling behaviour, or someone wanting to check messages on your phone.
“I would say take it seriously if there is any concern. It’s always worth that chat, and they’re always welcome to seek help.”
On the decision for Brady to come forward publicly, Dr Thorburn said this was “a hard call”
“Because women inevitably get vilified for it, and it doesn’t matter how legitimate their stories are,” she explained.
“It's up to the people around them – especially men – to be watchful of how their friends and family treat their partners, and to be willing to call them out on abusive behaviour when they see it. Men holding each other accountable for their behaviour towards women is the only way our rates of family violence can change.”
www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellbeing/300924394/unpacking-jonah-hills-use-of-mental-health-language-to-manipulate-ex-girlfriend-sarah-brady
