At my wit's end....a rant

[dksnj]

Just need to vent...

I have a 46 year old brother.  He doesn't drive (or have his license).  He has lived with our mother most of his life, except for a couple of years in his early 20's when he lived with his roommates.  My brother and mother were EXTREMELY co-dependent on each other.  She drove him to/from work every day. My older brother and I tried to get him to get his license, but he just wasn't interested. My mother coddled him all his life. He started smoking weed around 17 and unfortunately got into other heavier drugs, but has been clean for over 10 years. She always used the excuse that his 'maturity stopped at 17 due to drugs'.  My older brother had his own company at the time and offered him a job making $30/hr but he would have to get his license, which he wouldn't. So he pretty much wiped his hands of him.

Last March my mother passed unexpectedly from a stroke. Needless to say, he took it very hard. I live a few miles from where he works and had an extra bedroom.  I told him at that time, he could stay with me rent/utility free for a year. He makes $17/hr at a restaurant owned by extended family (my brother's wife's family) and gets paid every other week. I told him to put every other check into savings and don't touch it (which I am hoping he did. I refuse to follow up because I am not his mother).  His only expenses are his cell phone, cigarettes, weed and candy .  He didn't have a bank account so I helped him open one. He didn't have a credit card so I helped him apply for a Capital One, which he was approved. I told him to buy something every month and pay it off to build a credit history. He was on the lease with my mom, so he has about 4 years of rental credit.

It is now one year later and I am finding it impossible to find him an apartment. I live on the Jersey Shore, a couple miles from the beach and they are renting shitty studio/1 bedroom apartments for over $1600/month, which he can't afford. I find myself growing resentful because I want my own space. I have a three bedroom / one bath house. All his friends are married with kids, so he has nothing in common with them and never goes anywhere. He sits in the den from the time he gets home from work until he goes upstairs to sleep.  I drive him to work because I head out the same time and it isn't out of my way. He walks home.

I've been divorced since 2013 and dated a bit here and there, but not for the last couple of years. I want to start dating again, but him being here is an issue. I haven't had company over since he's been here. (When I told him he could move in, I reminded him multiple times it was temporary because I wanted to date in addition to needing my space).  He can't go to my older brother's because they live too far from his job and do not have the room. He has mentioned to me a few times early on he doesn't want to be a burden, but now he is honestly becoming one. Although I haven't mentioned it, he does know that 'time's up'.  I have added him to low cost housing waiting lists, but those can take years.  I have a lot on my plate right now. I have a dog that has cancer and is having issues with his back legs (degenerative myelopathy).

I had dinner with my older brother and sister-in-law last week and we decided they will have us over this coming weekend to figure this out, without making me the 'bad guy'. Forgot to mention, he will get about $20K from my mother once probate is complete, but that has to supplement his rent, not pay it. I've told him this money has to last him so he has to figure out a budget and stick to it. If he has to put more hours in at the restaurant, my sister-in-law said he can do that. He currently does maintenance but she said he can also run orders or bus tables. That will come up when we meet also.

At times I wonder if I am being selfish because I have the room, but want my space. Even if he were to offer to pay rent, I don't want it. It may come down to him having to just rent a room in a house, but even those are sparse.

Okay vent over...if you made it to the end, thank you   Felt good to type this out.

[greysfang]

There seems to be one boy in every family like this. For me it was an uncle who lived with my grandmother until she passed away, but luckily he found a wife in his 50s to live off of. One of my aunts has a nearly 40-year-old son who has never left home. Its some sort of generational curse I'm convinced.

[Sarzy]

I'm really sorry about your mother and everything else you are having to deal with.

I don't think you're selfish, it's understandable that you wouldn't want this situation to carry on indefinitely.
I think him renting a room is a good idea.

[krisnine]

Oh, man. Sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. You have a lot on your plate. I was going to suggest maybe finding him a room to rent or seeing if there might be a possible roommate situation with one of his coworkers? The cost of living on your own anywhere right now is crazy, especially when you factor in transportation. 

Seems like so many families are dealing with this right now. Our friends adult son has come home after college and is looking for a place to live. They divorced and are both trying to get settled into their lives after ending a 25 year marriage. They both told their son to stay where he was (Arizona) because the cost of living is so much less than here (Orange County, CA), but he insisted on coming home. The average one bedroom here is roughly 2500 dollars and he doesn’t have a real job. Most of his friends are either getting additional degrees or are married/ living with someone. He goes back and forth between the parents and it’s wearing both of them down because he doesn’t want to do anything to earn a living, unless it comes with a six figure income. In addition, the divorce wasn’t really amicable, so he’s playing on both parents. 

I dont think you’re being selfish at all, but I can imagine this weighs heavily on you. 

[czb]

i don't think you're selfish at all. if anything, you have been trying to help and and now time's up.

why can't he find a place that is more inland? those places are likely to be cheaper. but public transport around the shore is nearly non-existent. i don't know how he can get by without a driver's license.

[dksnj]

Mar 7, 2022 22:51:22 GMT czb said:

i don't think you're selfish at all. if anything, you have been trying to help and and now time's up.

why can't he find a place that is more inland? those places are likely to be cheaper. but public transport around the shore is nearly non-existent. i don't know how he can get by without a driver's license.

I've actually looked in neighboring towns where he can take the train since he would be able to walk from the train station to work. It is the same all over, rents are either sky high or there is no availability.  Fingers crossed something comes through.

Thank you everyone for your replies.  It really felt good to keyboard vent

[mostroop]

Dksnj, I hope your situation gets figured out. It really is a lot for you to handle. Is he willing to work the extra hours?

[dksnj]

Mar 9, 2022 11:50:30 GMT mostroop said:

Dksnj, I hope your situation gets figured out. It really is a lot for you to handle. Is he willing to work the extra hours?

Thank you. That will come up when we meet with my brother. My sister-in-law said there is definitely extra work at the restaurant if he wants it. He can bus tables or run orders. She is head of HR there, so she knows exactly what he makes and what else he can do. There are also two other restaurants her family owns in the same area...literally footsteps away, so he can also pick up something there.

I really think he is in for a rude awakening because he has always been 'enabled' by my mother and I am trying not to follow in her footsteps. It's going to be a 'tough love' situation.

[no1novice]

It’ll be hard but it’ll be harder in the long run to keep enabling him.

[holly]

Mar 7, 2022 21:10:21 GMT greysfang said:

There seems to be one boy in every family like this. For me it was an uncle who lived with my grandmother until she passed away, but luckily he found a wife in his 50s to live off of. One of my aunts has a nearly 40-year-old son who has never left home. Its some sort of generational curse I'm convinced.

My mom's youngest brother never moved out from living with my grandfather until my grandfather died in 1999. Then after that, he lived with a long-time family friend until her house got foreclosed on (she was so irresponsible with money, I honestly don't know how she didn't lose that house years ago). Then after that, I never asked where he was living. It was only a short time, maybe 2 years? And then he passed away very unexpectedly 2 years ago. He was on the bus on the way back from Atlantic City. 

But back to the original post - Barring some physical / mental disability, it's not your obligation to house your brother. Based on what you've said, that's not the case. He's a 46 y/o man that has been coddled his whole life. He needs to live independently. It will probably do him a world of good.  

[dksnj]

Mar 13, 2022 20:36:45 GMT holly said:

Mar 7, 2022 21:10:21 GMT greysfang said:

There seems to be one boy in every family like this. For me it was an uncle who lived with my grandmother until she passed away, but luckily he found a wife in his 50s to live off of. One of my aunts has a nearly 40-year-old son who has never left home. Its some sort of generational curse I'm convinced.

My mom's youngest brother never moved out from living with my grandfather until my grandfather died in 1999. Then after that, he lived with a long-time family friend until her house got foreclosed on (she was so irresponsible with money, I honestly don't know how she didn't lose that house years ago). Then after that, I never asked where he was living. It was only a short time, maybe 2 years? And then he passed away very unexpectedly 2 years ago. He was on the bus on the way back from Atlantic City. 

But back to the original post - Barring some physical / mental disability, it's not your obligation to house your brother. Based on what you've said, that's not the case. He's a 46 y/o man that has been coddled his whole life. He needs to live independently. It will probably do him a world of good.  

Totally agree.  And I've told him once he is out, he is out. So he needs to learn to live with a budget and within his means.

[dksnj]

Small update - I told my brother last Monday that *we* needed to start looking for a place for him, to which he replied he doesn't have the $ until my mom's probate is complete. Naturally, I lost my shit and told him he was supposed to be putting 1 check away each month. We didn't speak for 5 days. I don't like tension or negative energy in my house, so needless to say it was added stress.

We ended up meeting with my brother and sister in law (after I told him I will pack his shit and he can live under the boardwalk). My brother spoke with him and told him it is time to get his shit together and get out. Cut out all the unnecessary expenses because it isn't fair to me. Told him to put a budget together and reach out to one of their mutual friends who is always looking for landscape help and see if he can work with him on Saturdays.

Afterwards, my brother and I had a long talk and he said he admitted he was getting comfortable at my house and he realizes it isn't fair to me. A step in the right direction. As long as I know we are now all involved in getting him out, I feel better. Thanks again for listening and the the advice!

[dawnm74]

My mother's youngest sister lived with my grandparents all of her life. She got married for a short time in her 20s but it ended because she wanted to move back home & expected her husband to move back to my grandparents house too. She was spoiled rotten by my grandmother & my grandfather never stepped up & put his foot down. She never learned to handle her finances because she always had my grandmother to pay for anything she wanted. She never learned the difference between a want vs. a need. My grandmother cleaned the house, did her laundry, & paid for all the food she ate. By the time I was 10, I referred to her as 'the leech' because she literally did NOTHING for anyone except herself. Needless to say, when my grandparents died she got a very rude awakening. The last 25 years of her life were miserable because she refused to listen to my mother & her older sister when they offered to teach her how to handle her money & how to be responsible (it was a lost cause!). She was so emotionally stunted that she actually felt everyone was against her because they expected her to provide for herself, pay her own bills, & to pay them on time. My mom & her sister refused to baby her like my grandparents did but she never changed. Parents who do not force their children to grow up are doing them no favors. My grandparents literally raised her to adulthood without teaching her any of the tools you need to become a healthy, functioning adult. To this day, I just cannot deal with people like her. I just want to slap the fuck out of them.

[trixie]

^ Yeah, I don't get it either, and I do blame the parent(s) somewhat for not pushing their little birdies out of the nest. Not sure if it's their own fear of being alone or what, but they definitely do their kid a disservice because they won't be around forever and suddenly there's this middle-aged person who has no idea how to live on their own. From my experience, I've seen this more with men than women, some of them move out for awhile, get divorced or job loss or whatever and get way too comfortable with mom doing their laundry, cooking their meals that they never leave. They work sporadically or at low level jobs that never allow independence. No wonder their wives divorced them.

I just couldn't imagine not wanting to get out of your parents house. When I came home from college, I moved back home for maybe a year to save up some money but as soon as I was able, I moved out and got an apartment with a friend. And I couldn't wait to get out of there, especially after living on my own during college. I don't understand people who are content never starting their own lives.

[dksnj]

Mar 23, 2022 14:45:40 GMT trixie said:

^ Yeah, I don't get it either, and I do blame the parent(s) somewhat for not pushing their little birdies out of the nest. Not sure if it's their own fear of being alone or what, but they definitely do their kid a disservice because they won't be around forever and suddenly there's this middle-aged person who has no idea how to live on their own. From my experience, I've seen this more with men than women, some of them move out for awhile, get divorced or job loss or whatever and get way too comfortable with mom doing their laundry, cooking their meals that they never leave. They work sporadically or at low level jobs that never allow independence. No wonder their wives divorced them.

I just couldn't imagine not wanting to get out of your parents house. When I came home from college, I moved back home for maybe a year to save up some money but as soon as I was able, I moved out and got an apartment with a friend. And I couldn't wait to get out of there, especially after living on my own during college. I don't understand people who are content never starting their own lives.

Exactly. I moved out when I was 19 and never went back. I carved out a decent life for myself. I have two grown children who are self-sufficient, so I'll be damned if I am going to 'raise' my 46 year old brother. I feel bad blaming my mom because they were co-dependent on each other. Since he has been here I had to help him open a checking and savings account, showed him how to mobile deposit his paychecks and helped him apply for a Capital One credit card. His credit score went from zero (because he never had credit in his life) to 803. I told him to make a small purchase each month on his CapOne card (something for his apartment, not crap purchases) and pay it off in full to build a credit history. The only way he will learn is to do for himself.