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Post by eatsleepbeer on Mar 23, 2023 4:34:30 GMT
I've been friends with someone for going on 20 years. She's not been a nice person to me many times over, yet I have put up with it. She calls me her "best friend" and I am her emergency contact for everything, I'm starting to think because no one else will be. We HAVE had some amazingly fun times. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here from you all, its my birthday and breaking up with a friend is weird. My husband can't stand her for all she's put me though. I need to grow a fucking spine and get rid of her, I know. But I have shit self esteem and no self confidence. I just feel better writing this out. If anyone has any words of encouragement I'm all ears.
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Post by HWBL on Mar 23, 2023 8:52:24 GMT
I've broken up with several friends because friendship is supposed to be a two-way-street and I came to realize that I was the one who was doing all the giving, helping, nurturing etc. and always the one to make compromises and give in to the other person. Analyzing these "friendships" made me realize that most of those were quite toxic and domineering characters. Life is too short, so I decided to stand up for myself and started saying "No" to them, whenever they needed me to do something for or with them again. The first time one of them heard my "No" she was totally stunned. In my case, that first "break-up" (which was a soft break-up because it still took some time before we really stopped interacting with each other) was the real eye-opener. This "friend" came to me one day, telling me that she had asked all her friends (!) if they wanted to go out shopping for a new winter wardrobe with her, but none of them could or would go with her. So, she literally told me that I always was available whenever she'd want me to do something so I should just put my coat on and come with her to watch her buy new clothes. I told her sorry, but no. Her jaw dropped. She asked me if I had another appointment, I said no. She asked if I was expecting company, I said no. She asked me if I had to do something, I said no. Then she asked me what I was going to do then, instead of accompanying her. I was quiet for a beat, then I said I might take a nap or stare at the ceiling. She was stunned and inside I laughed my ass off. It was very liberating.
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Post by eatsleepbeer on Mar 23, 2023 13:07:36 GMT
I've broken up with several friends because friendship is supposed to be a two-way-street and I came to realize that I was the one who was doing all the giving, helping, nurturing etc. and always the one to make compromises and give in to the other person. Analyzing these "friendships" made me realize that most of those were quite toxic and domineering characters. Life is too short, so I decided to stand up for myself and started saying "No" to them, whenever they needed me to do something for or with them again. The first time one of them heard my "No" she was totally stunned. In my case, that first "break-up" (which was a soft break-up because it still took some time before we really stopped interacting with each other) was the real eye-opener. This "friend" came to me one day, telling me that she had asked all her friends (!) if they wanted to go out shopping for a new winter wardrobe with her, but none of them could or would go with her. So, she literally told me that I always was available whenever she'd want me to do something so I should just put my coat on and come with her to watch her buy new clothes. I told her sorry, but no. Her jaw dropped. She asked me if I had another appointment, I said no. She asked if I was expecting company, I said no. She asked me if I had to do something, I said no. Then she asked me what I was going to do then, instead of accompanying her. I was quiet for a beat, then I said I might take a nap or stare at the ceiling. She was stunned and inside I laughed my ass off. It was very liberating. Good for your!! The stare at the ceiling made me literally LOL. I appreciate you replying!! |
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Post by cornflakegrl on Mar 23, 2023 13:42:52 GMT
I've found that simply saying No and/or calling out whatever behavior is hurtful (as it happens) typically does the trick. In other words, drawing solid boundaries with these "friends."
People who use you or treat you badly typically are doing so because they get a payoff. Stop giving the payoff and a lot of the times they drift off to find someone else they can take advantage of.
Not sure what this friend does to you so maybe the above doesn't apply.
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Post by eatsleepbeer on Mar 23, 2023 18:08:53 GMT
I've found that simply saying No and/or calling out whatever behavior is hurtful (as it happens) typically does the trick. In other words, drawing solid boundaries with these "friends." People who use you or treat you badly typically are doing so because they get a payoff. Stop giving the payoff and a lot of the times they drift off to find someone else they can take advantage of. Not sure what this friend does to you so maybe the above doesn't apply. Thank you! I think you're right ... I need to call out the hurtful behavior. |
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burnt_toast
OGs 
bitter jealous fatty from the way back
Posts: 673
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Post by burnt_toast on Mar 23, 2023 18:14:28 GMT
I've found that simply saying No and/or calling out whatever behavior is hurtful (as it happens) typically does the trick. In other words, drawing solid boundaries with these "friends." People who use you or treat you badly typically are doing so because they get a payoff. Stop giving the payoff and a lot of the times they drift off to find someone else they can take advantage of. Not sure what this friend does to you so maybe the above doesn't apply. oh this is right on, in my experience. Creating standards and boundaries and then holding her to account when she is in violation may simply do the trick. It takes some practice but is a nice way to go about things. Alternately, I had a very long term friend I broke up with and I truly just took her out for a drink, told her that the relationship was no longer good for me. I wished her well and then moved on. She tried to suck me into an argument/discussion, but I just held strong that it wasn't up for discussion. Finished my drink, paid the bill, and left. It was remarkably easy for me once I really accepted that I didn't owe her any explanation. The friendship wasn't good for me so I wasn't doing it anymore. Wildly simple and really good for me. Good luck eatsleepbeer! It can feel huge and daunting but it really doesn't have to be. |
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Post by Sarzy on Mar 23, 2023 18:30:31 GMT
^ Totally agree. It can feel daunting but you'll be glad once it's all done with. You can do it eatsleepbeer, good luck. |
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Post by palta on Mar 23, 2023 18:40:26 GMT
happy birthday!
i agree with cornflakegrl, stop engaging with her behavior if it's making you feel bad.
i encourage you to put yourself first and see what happens, maybe she understands and the relationships improves or maybe you get rid of her.
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Post by eatsleepbeer on Mar 23, 2023 18:47:52 GMT
happy birthday! i agree with cornflakegrl, stop engaging with her behavior if it's making you feel bad. i encourage you to put yourself first and see what happens, maybe she understands and the relationships improves or maybe you get rid of her. I like that idea. Put myself first and see what happens. Thank you! |
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Post by eatsleepbeer on Mar 23, 2023 18:48:13 GMT
^ Totally agree. It can feel daunting but you'll be glad once it's all done with. You can do it eatsleepbeer , good luck. Thank you!! |
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Post by tulip on Mar 23, 2023 23:50:52 GMT
Happy Birthday!
I've been in your shoes. BFFs for 20 years and we had some really fun times. However, it was a toxic relationship. It wasn't good for either one of us. I tried setting boundaries -- but it didn't work for me and I realized I just didn't want to be around this person anymore. It's been more than 10 years and it was the right decision.
It's not easy to do, but I felt like a 10 thousand pound weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Good luck!
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Post by no1novice on Mar 24, 2023 0:58:24 GMT
Happy birthday 🎈
I do a quick check - would I accept that behaviour in a partner or a friend's partner?
But then again, I had to call myself out as my self-talk was abusive. Once I really heard that I paid attention to what others said. It made my social circle a lot smaller but I am healthier for it.
It's not easy though.
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Post by kittylady on Mar 24, 2023 1:05:16 GMT
I realised that while I was always available for them, they were never available for me so I dropped the rope. I stopped reaching out to them and if they came to me only because they wanted something then I'd be busy or broke or just plain unavailable. The almost total lack of "hey, lets go do something that's good for both of us!" afterwards really showed how much I was giving and how much they were taking and once they realised that I wasn't going to keep putting myself on the line for them they moved on to another sucker.
If you don't feel strong enough to cut her off in one go then you can always try fading out. Remember that the more you practice saying No, the easier it gets. Don't get drawn into the JADE cycle (don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) when you say you are unavailable as this will leave you open to her trying to talk you in circles until you get so tired that you give in just to make it stop. No is No is No. It's a complete sentence. Also don't be afraid to lean on Mr Eatsleepbeer - it sounds like he's more than ready to be rid of her so he should be good for some support when you start to wobble. Agree a tactic with him that if he's about when she calls then in five minutes time (or at a prearranged signal between you) he's to interrupt and give you an excuse to cut the call. Eventually you won't need to do this as either your confidence will have grown enough to do it yourself or she'll have got the message that she can't make demands on you and stop bothering. If you aren't ready to block her on social media then mute/snooze her. This way you won't see any "Woe is me!" guilt trips that she tries to post.
P.S Happy Birthday!
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Post by eatsleepbeer on Mar 24, 2023 13:44:15 GMT
Happy Birthday! I've been in your shoes. BFFs for 20 years and we had some really fun times. However, it was a toxic relationship. It wasn't good for either one of us. I tried setting boundaries -- but it didn't work for me and I realized I just didn't want to be around this person anymore. It's been more than 10 years and it was the right decision. It's not easy to do, but I felt like a 10 thousand pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. Good luck! This is very inspiring to me. Thank you. |
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Post by eatsleepbeer on Mar 24, 2023 13:44:57 GMT
I realised that while I was always available for them, they were never available for me so I dropped the rope. I stopped reaching out to them and if they came to me only because they wanted something then I'd be busy or broke or just plain unavailable. The almost total lack of "hey, lets go do something that's good for both of us!" afterwards really showed how much I was giving and how much they were taking and once they realised that I wasn't going to keep putting myself on the line for them they moved on to another sucker. If you don't feel strong enough to cut her off in one go then you can always try fading out. Remember that the more you practice saying No, the easier it gets. Don't get drawn into the JADE cycle (don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) when you say you are unavailable as this will leave you open to her trying to talk you in circles until you get so tired that you give in just to make it stop. No is No is No. It's a complete sentence. Also don't be afraid to lean on Mr Eatsleepbeer - it sounds like he's more than ready to be rid of her so he should be good for some support when you start to wobble. Agree a tactic with him that if he's about when she calls then in five minutes time (or at a prearranged signal between you) he's to interrupt and give you an excuse to cut the call. Eventually you won't need to do this as either your confidence will have grown enough to do it yourself or she'll have got the message that she can't make demands on you and stop bothering. If you aren't ready to block her on social media then mute/snooze her. This way you won't see any "Woe is me!" guilt trips that she tries to post. P.S Happy Birthday! Excellent advice, thank you so much! |
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