Am I the Asshole

[Pixie]

Yeah I figured we needed our GR version of that famous Reddit thread, especially since I have a "Am I the asshole" kind of question XD

So for a bit of context:
For the past 5 years and a half, since I moved to Sweden, I've been the one constantly reaching out to a friend.
I must specify that I do not exaggerate, it is ALWAYS me who contacts her to ask for news, it's always me who rekindles our Whatsapp conversation, it's constantly me who realises I haven't heard from her in a long time and leave a message.
I'm also the only one wishing her a happy birthday (I'm not sure she knows when mine is), I'm always the first one to wish her a merry Christmas, Happy new year. I send her postcards when I'm on holidays, for Christmas as well.

So the situation:
Last week, after noticing I hadn't heard from her since January, I leave her a message, then she leaves one, and I leave another, and so on, until Monday.
On Monday, she leaves me a long vocal message, to tell me that her 19 y.o daughter attempted suicide. So she talks me through the day of the suicide attempt, tells me how things are know, how she feels, that she's now going to try and sleep as the shrink's decision about interning her daughter will only be tomorrow (Tuesday)
Bad timing, I listened to her message exactly on my way to work, and then we celebrated one of our artist's birthday, so I came home rather late, and literally had no moment to myself that day. And to be perfectly honest, I forgot to answer.
At about 8p.m, I receive a message from her that just says "I won't be bothering you again"
So I realise I had forgotten her, I immediately excuse myself from my colleagues, take 5 minutes to write her a very long message, apologise profusely, and asks her how are things now.

I was about to send her a new message this morning to ask what the decision concerning her daughter was ... and then I noticed that she never got my previous message, because she had just blocked me.


And I am FUMING. I've been the one making all the efforts in those past 5 years to maintain our friendship and I get flushed like yesterday's shit on the spot because I didn't answer right away this time?
And I DO feel bad that I didn't tell my customer that I'd need 10 minutes to myself because I had to react to some very bad news I had just got, I sincerely wish I had done that. I understand my friend must have been super upset at my lack of answer. Yet for all she knows, something also could have happened to me, she didn't even leave me the benefit of the doubt, just assume I had no fuck to give about her and fucking blocked me.


Hence my question, am I the asshole here for being angry at her and considering sending her a message to tell her to go fuck herself?

[ravenna]

Please do not tell her to go fuck herself. She is perhaps being a bit of an asshole, but it sounds like she is also suffering an extremely stressful situation and people can be overly sensitive, irrational and unfair under those circumstances. I would let things lie, but to be honest, I would have abandoned the effort to maintain the friendship long ago, as things simply shouldn't be that one sided.

[Sarzy]

I agree, don't message her that! I'd just let her be and wait and see if she ever gets back in contact in the future. One sided friendships like that are frustrating and in the end sometimes you just have to let go. 

[Pixie]

I have a super hard time letting go of people, I will always do my utmost to keep in contact. Maybe I have a pathological need to be liked, I don't know.
I guess that's talk for a shrink, but a reason I'm that upset might be because people never seem to make any kind of similar effort when it comes to me, I have been ditched like that several times in the past, by so-called friends who just got upset at me once, and just got rid of me, never tried to mend our relationship or anything.
Which is hard here, because after the message she left me, and the subject matter, I do feel like an asshole for not having answered right away, thinking "I'll take time later" when it was sorta urgent to answer. Maybe no amount of excuse would have made up for that, I don't know. I just can't help but feeling that I should have been worth more that this shitty passive aggressive "I won't be bothering you anymore" and being fucking blocked

[albatross]

I don't think you're wrong to feel angry given the past 5 years, but I don't think you'll feel better if you send that message. I don't think it will help the anger, and it will likely end up making you feel worse.

If she ever does get back in touch, I would be honest with her about how much she's hurt you, not just with that last message and the blocking, but with her seeming indifference about your friendship over the past 5 years.

[notoriousmkg]

Hence my question, am I the asshole here for being angry at her and considering sending her a message to tell her to go fuck herself?

Don't do it - you'll just validate the misplaced feelings she has about you.  If anything, take the high road and say something positive about her daughter and that her family is in your thoughts and prayers or something.  It will probably infuriate her even more that you took the high road, but she will know in her heart that she didn't handle this correctly with you.

[beeyotch]

You would know better than I if this applies to your friend, but I'll give an opposing POV.

I'm that friend. It's due to a deep-seated belief that I have nothing interesting or worthwhile to say that would warrant taking time from another person's surely busy, productive life. Even with the person I call my best friend, she's the one who always reaches out to me. But we've always been that way, I've told her how much she's meant to me, and either she understands how I am on some level, or is the most patient person ever. I just never learned to be a social person that reaches out, it feels too weird. Maybe it falls somewhere on the autism spectrum, I don't know. But it is really, really hard and not just because I'm lazy about it.

When something that traumatic happens, yes I've been the one to reach out. Possibly she doesn't have anyone else to talk to?

If my friend felt the way you do, I think I'd want to know. I'd appreciate a gentle honest wake-up call. But not now, this situation is so emotionally fraught, I'd make sure she gets your message somehow (snail mail!) and let her make the next move.

[sputnik]

^^^
Bee, I suck at communicating regularly too, but the difference is you (and I) acknowledge it and have told our friends that. I don’t see any mention of that acknowledgement here.

Pixie, it could be she’s just being massively cunty and irrational because of the situation with her daughter which would be enough to make anyone massively cunty and irrational, and you’re reading too much into it because you were already peeved at her for not making any effort to communicate and maintain the friendship.

Or it could be that you’re right to be pissed off that she went off the rails like that because you “failed” at communicating once and she’s basically blind to the fact that it’s your communication that’s been keeping the friendship alive in the first place and you’re absolutely right to be shocked and hurt by her behaviour, and she fucking sucks at being a friend.

Unfortunately with what she’s going through now is not the time to address that with her so my advice would be to not do anything right now, give yourself at least a couple of days to gather your thoughts and calm down, and then reach out to her via email. Basically let her know what happened with the message, that you weren’t ignoring her or her feelings. And that you were hurt and shocked by her blocking you because until that point you were the only one putting any effort into keeping communication alive between you two and basically you were already feeling neglected and like this was a one-sided friendship, and despite all the effort you put in, she essentially dumped you as a friend over a pretty fucking minor transgression.

Based just on what you’ve told us of your history, I’d say she’s probably a shitty friend. But you know her and what she’s like. Does she have a history of getting pissed and acting rashly when she’s upset, and basically pulling shit like what she did to you? Or was it out of character snd something you think she would only do if she was extremely upset?

I like to think I know my friends and their characters but still sometimes people can really disappoint you and make you realise they’re not the people or friends you thought they were.

Some people feel entitled to friendship without putting in any work, and don’t even see the work others put into maintaining the relationship. Is your friend generous on other ways?

[kittylady]

If you feel like you have been the one to keep this friendship alive with no input from her then I say let the connection go.

Yes you are angry, but sending that message will only blow up everything even more. Be the bigger person. Draw a line under things and move on.

[tulip]

You've gotten a lot of good advice.

Your friend is used to you doing the heavy lifting in the relationship. She is used to you being there, so when she perceived you weren't, combined with the stress of her daughter's situation, she went off.

I wouldn't send the message. I also wouldn't be hard on yourself for not responding right away. Give it some time and if you feel like reaching out to see how she is, do so. However, if you feel like this is a one-sided friendship and you're done with doing all the work to keep it going, just let it go. A little time and space will help you figure out which way you want to go.

[Pixie]

Hi everyone!
Thank you SO, SO MUCH for all of the advice!
Am gonna try and quote some things I want to answer in more details ^_^

I just never learned to be a social person that reaches out, it feels too weird. Maybe it falls somewhere on the autism spectrum, I don't know. But it is really, really hard and not just because I'm lazy about it.

I understand that some people are like that - I know I must send resentful, but I actually do not mind being the one reaching out. Sure, I wish sometimes she would also do it, as it does make one feel appreciated when you get a message from a friend, but I do know she has a tendency to isolate when she feels down (which is often)
I moved a lot as a kid (dad was in the army) so I always had that tendency to write and try and maintain my friends just because they gave me something to hold on to as well, something from my previous homes (quite traumatic to move so often to be honest)

Unfortunately with what she’s going through now is not the time to address that with her so my advice would be to not do anything right now, give yourself at least a couple of days to gather your thoughts and calm down, and then reach out to her via email. Basically let her know what happened with the message, that you weren’t ignoring her or her feelings. And that you were hurt and shocked by her blocking you because until that point you were the only one putting any effort into keeping communication alive between you two and basically you were already feeling neglected and like this was a one-sided friendship, and despite all the effort you put in, she essentially dumped you as a friend over a pretty fucking minor transgression.

Based just on what you’ve told us of your history, I’d say she’s probably a shitty friend. But you know her and what she’s like. Does she have a history of getting pissed and acting rashly when she’s upset, and basically pulling shit like what she did to you? Or was it out of character snd something you think she would only do if she was extremely upset?

I like to think I know my friends and their characters but still sometimes people can really disappoint you and make you realise they’re not the people or friends you thought they were.

Some people feel entitled to friendship without putting in any work, and don’t even see the work others put into maintaining the relationship. Is your friend generous on other ways?

I did follow everybody's advice, as you said, only sent her a message this morning, she'll have it when she unblocks me from Whatsapp (which means she'll probably be in the mood to communicate again)
Just told her that she knew she wasn't "a disturbance" because if she were I'd have stopped contacting her years ago, and that it was pretty hurtful to be tossed like an old sock even though she hurts right now.

She is used to being quite irrational, I know she isn't talking to her best friend anymore because she overreacted to a text that Coline (the best friend) sent her, and then Coline was like "fuck this shit I'm done"
I talked about this to my best friend who reminded me that this had already happened 4 years ago that she just took me off Whatsapp for a few months because same, I hadn't answered fast enough to something, and at that time I did continue send her nice messages regularly, waiting for her to cool down and answer again. My best friend doesn't like her, she thinks she's using me to vent every shitty thing that happens in her life and basically treats me like a free psychotherapist. But I have super good memories with her, back when we were working together, I know she's a funny and generous person, but her emotions are just getting the best of her all the time
Any kind of emotion. She's constantly heartbroken like a teen (she's 45) because she's super in love in an instant, when she's upset, she's end of the world upset, everything is super super intense.
Which is also a reason she is also super fun to be around 

I also wouldn't be hard on yourself for not responding right away.

Thank you for saying this - before I realised she had blocked me, I barely slept that night thinking of how bad I had let her down, with no real excuse to not have answered right away


I still don't know if I want to keep being friends with her. It's pretty confusing right now (I am not sure I am grateful to my best friend and her infallible memory for reminding me of that past event I had completely forgotten XD)

[no1novice]

Pixie - friendship can be a 2 way street though and my question is what are you getting out of this relationship that is positive for you?

[trixie]

She sounds bipolar to me. Everything super intense. Yeah, they can be fun in a life of the party kind of way. My bff's sister was like that, but when she was your friend she expected so much, if you disappointed her somehow you were suddenly DEAD to her. Needless to say, my friend and her sister haven't spoken in years. It's funny, because I met them both when I was in junior high and was friends with the sister first. Couldn't deal with her demands and bossiness and struck up a friendship with her younger sister which has lasted to this day.

[dilligaf]

No, NTA. Please do not shoulder any type of guilt or responsibility for her foul behavior. She has made no effort in five years and her daughter is no excuse to block you, I would move on. I also would think twice if she unblocks you too, she just is not worth your effort in my opinion.