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Post by MsDark on Feb 5, 2022 17:55:17 GMT
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Post by loftybike on Feb 5, 2022 23:42:07 GMT
My parents are/were both narcissists. Sometimes I'm still having trouble understanding social life when it comes to family, simply because my upbringing was so vastly different. My parents were both so awful, with a little twist of humour it could have been like a sitcom about a disfunctional family.
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Post by kittylady on Feb 6, 2022 2:08:05 GMT
Out Of The FOG by Dana Morningstar is a good book for anyone recovering from/currently dealing with a narc and there's a support webpage and forum that goes with it.
When I look back on my experience the thing that strikes me is how much they enjoyed what they do. They treat it as a gourmet savouring every course in a banquet; there's no pigging out or rushing towards dessert. Everything is deliberate and calculated.
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Post by Pixie on Feb 21, 2022 10:42:48 GMT
I had years of therapy after a narcissist ex crushed me, and I still suck at shielding myself from them, took me years to realise of my so-called "best friend" was one of them - ultimately therapy helped me to stop feeling sorry for them, getting rid of them and prioritising my sanity over their fake dramas.
My current partner is an absolute gem and I thank all the gods for that everyday, because I know that despite having lived with 2 of them, being friends with several of them, I know how to recognise the signs, and I still fall for it, it doesn't make me safe from them.
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Post by notoriousmkg on Feb 21, 2022 20:00:13 GMT
So, for people who have been through this, what would you tell other people to look for as red flags?
I have a family member who seems to fit a very narrow aspect of narcissism - nothing is ever his fault. A complete lack of self awareness as to what he did wrong - especially at work. However, in other areas, he is atypical. Not manipulative, very empathetic....
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Post by daphodil on Feb 21, 2022 22:50:15 GMT
So, for people who have been through this, what would you tell other people to look for as red flags? I have a family member who seems to fit a very narrow aspect of narcissism - nothing is every his fault. A complete lack of self awareness as to what he did wrong - especially at work. However, in other areas, he is atypical. Not manipulative, very empathetic.... Interesting - a victim can be a narcissist and a narcissist can play the victim. The lack of self-awareness might be the key - could be immaturity, could be a defense mechanism. I read a book many, many years ago about adult children of alcoholics who (we) have the ability to walk into a room and with little to no information, find the addict, narcissist, bad person. It broke a long-term pattern for me by understanding that. |
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Post by kittylady on Feb 22, 2022 14:58:02 GMT
So, for people who have been through this, what would you tell other people to look for as red flags? I have a family member who seems to fit a very narrow aspect of narcissism - nothing is ever his fault. A complete lack of self awareness as to what he did wrong - especially at work. However, in other areas, he is atypical. Not manipulative, very empathetic.... Like so many things, it's a spectrum, one that we're all on to a greater or lesser degree. Everyone has a touch of narcissism in their personality but some people have it by the ton. As for being/appearing empathetic, that doesn't necessarily mean they are a safe or trustworthy person to be around. The biggest mistake we can make is to assume a Narc is someone who is obvious in what they do when the reality is that they can often be very charming and personable when they choose to be. It's all about luring people in and keeping them there until they've sucked you dry. If it helps, think of them as being like one of those bug eating plants that give off an irresistable scent - only to liquidise any critter that goes into it. A Narc can appear empathetic or helpful or genial because it lulls us into a false sense of security and we, in turn, open up faster and more to them than perhaps we normally would, which inadvertently shows them where all our triggers, levers and buttons are, thus making us easier to manipulate. |
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Post by beeyotch on Feb 22, 2022 17:01:29 GMT
So, for people who have been through this, what would you tell other people to look for as red flags? I have a family member who seems to fit a very narrow aspect of narcissism - nothing is ever his fault. A complete lack of self awareness as to what he did wrong - especially at work. However, in other areas, he is atypical. Not manipulative, very empathetic.... This is a great point more people should consider--at what point is someone simply a selfish asshole as opposed to a narcissist? I think many people throw around the word narcissist to refer to anyone who wrongs them, which causes greater confusion about the term. The bit Kitty said about it being a continuum also muddies the waters a bit. Like, I know I sometimes behave like an asshole and feel totally justified, but the people on the receiving end of that might call me a narc. Not that I truly think I am one, but sometimes the descriptions make me pause and think. |
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Post by cornflakegrl on Jun 7, 2022 21:39:24 GMT
Narcissism is a personality trait ... we have all have it to some degree. It's how we survived as a species. Narcissistic personality DISORDER is what everyone thinks they are talking about but honestly, it's relatively rare thing amongst the entire population. These folks are disordered to the point where they really can't maintain relationships with others, at least not healthy ones. Their "all about them" thing is to the extreme, driven by fear and an absolute need (that feels like life or death to them) to win and be in control. Super manipulative too. You're not a narc Bee  . |
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Post by MsDark on Jun 10, 2022 23:11:45 GMT
If you're wondering, worrying or having any concerns you might be a narc. You're probably not.
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Post by kittylady on Jun 13, 2022 0:48:59 GMT
Bee if you were a narc you would have been eaten alive by the Coterie and spat out a long, long time ago. You are fine and dandy and very loved and respected around these parts. Narcs always out themselves at some point and we've been around you for years and years without it ever being a worry.
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Post by Pixie on Jul 3, 2022 19:38:46 GMT
So, for people who have been through this, what would you tell other people to look for as red flags? I have a family member who seems to fit a very narrow aspect of narcissism - nothing is ever his fault. A complete lack of self awareness as to what he did wrong - especially at work. However, in other areas, he is atypical. Not manipulative, very empathetic.... I honestly don't know, so the best I can do to answer is, based on my own unfortunate experience with them, list some similarities they shared: - an oversized ego (often paired with a sense of superiority, and disdain for "humanity", "sheep", "followers") - an ability to turn every problem, every conflict, every difficulty into a "pity me I'm the victim" shitshow - an extraordinary ability to make YOU feel like it's your fault. We have a conflict? It's your fault. You're not happy with me? It's your fault. Things are not alright? It's your fault. It's never THEM. - It's ALWAYS the others' fault. They never take responsibility for anything. Or it's nobody's fault but you know, they had no choice / couldn't do anything about it. - massive charisma and a "court" of people who were always siding with them and agreeing with them. Enabling them. Those people aren't dumb or anything, just under the spell. I would say their empathy is fake as well. I always thought my former best friend was empathetic, but as I looked back on things, I realised that every time she helped me, it's because in the end, it benefited her in some way. Those people may seem like they care, but if they do, it's only because they have something to gain by helping you. Have them speak about something that doesn't concern them in any way, that is not at all something they'll experience, something that's connected to them. See how they react, what they say. Also, take this with a massive pinch of salt, it's just based on my limited (thank god!) experience, I am no expert on the subject. |
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Post by kittylady on Jul 4, 2022 0:09:44 GMT
Always remember The Narcissist's Prayer:
That didn't happen
And if it did, it wasn't that bad
And if it was, it wasn't a big deal
And if it is, that's not my fault
And if it was, I didn't mean it
And if I did, you deserved it.
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Post by funky on Jul 4, 2022 8:12:47 GMT
I second everything you wrote, pixie. I'd add that in the beginning of a relationship, or when you just met, they will overflow you with love and affection. Really over the top. You're the best. We're the best. It's us against the world.
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Post by Pixie on Jul 4, 2022 8:29:56 GMT
Oh yeah that too.
Which is definitely how you get stuck, as far as my relation with my ex is concerned, I kept on thinking about those first 6 months, how everything was perfect, how he will be that guy again when "things are better", how the person he is now is not who he is ... when actually, he is. The person he was those first 6 months, that, was the lie.
And you keep on hoping to be with *that* person again, that person from the beginning, when that person never existed.
And so you endure, because you're sure "things will get better", you just have to be patient, to be loving, to be even more selfless and dedicated, and it will pass, and you're just a shadow of your former self, but those first months were just so great, it is worth it.
Spoiler, no it's not, flee, flee for your life.
Forget what romcoms told you, the power of your love ain't doing shit, you're not changing those people, they will suck on you until you're an empty shell. Your only way out is to break up and get the fuck out.
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